some ~issues~

i've been taking birth control pills since early 2016 and the first dosage level ended up making me throw up the first of each new pack.  so i got the dosage changed, and it probably ended up making me feel nauseous (and throwing up) for 4-5 days at the start of the new pack.  it started this month and so i went to my doctor and talked to her about it and she thought it was low blood sugar + lack of protein.  she changed the dosage anyway and now i'm trying to ease back into a regular eating schedule, since i wasn't eating much but bread for the past few days.
mostly it's been graham crackers and peanut butter, but also oranges and ginger ale.  my stomach still feels really weird but less weird the more days pass.  i hate waking up nauseous though, and having that dread feeling in my stomach while i'm showering and feeling generally exhausted and not feeling able to eat anything.  i had to call in sick to work for the first time on monday since i threw up 3 times and i work in a kitchen.  my coworkers and manager and boss were sympathetic when i went back to work yesterday and asked how i was feeling which was nice.  though yesterday i ate almost nothing at all and went to work and ended up feeling so drained of energy i had to eat a peanut butter bar from work to get some energy, which worked, but gave me stomach cramps bc of the sudden sugar intake.  so far fruit and peanut butter has been a gentle way to reintroduce food to my stomach which is good.  i've felt really shitty for the past few days though and i hate it, especially with school starting in less then a week, i dont want to wake up early in the morning and not be able to have something before school.
so hopefully it passes soon

it's been good

i got paid recently and having actual money to spend and treat myself has been nice.
i bought a couple of nyx lipsticks and am waiting for them to arrive, and went to the mall with my sister in law today and got some earrings that won't turn my ears green.  i'm happy knowing i can buy things that will make me happy, like bras and clothes and things.  i've been broke and jobless for so long that i'm still afraid to spend any money but am slowly getting over that and learning that it's o-k to treat myself finally.
i've been consistently happy with working, and am enjoying it and my coworkers a lot, but still haven't been seeing a lot of my friends.  for a little bit i thought one of my coworkers didnt like me but i think it was just because i was new, as she's now saying hello to me when i arrive and talks to me sometimes.  it's very nice.  one of the managers i really like, she's very friendly and jokes about how quiet i am when i arrive and leave and saw me when i came in last week and went "i've finally caught you're arrival!!"  she also thanks me when i leave and it makes me feel good.
i start college and turn 19 next month.  it feels weird to age, and for some reason i can't accept that someday i'll be 23.  just 23, not anything older like 45.  it could be because 23 is closer to my current age than 45 but it's still strange.  it's also funny because i have friends still in high school who are starting school on the 23rd and its hilarious because i'm graduated.
anyway it's been a good month and i've been loving working and feel good earning money.

brief lil update since i haven't been posting much

i have a job now and am working 5 days a week which is great
and its been warm but i haven't been seeing any of my friends which kinda sucks

we're friends

and it's wonderful.

I didn't cry

This month, a bunch of stuff has already happened.  I went to my last prom, went to baccalaureate, and graduated high school.  I didn't cry at any of those and to me, it's odd.  i'm a very emotional person and i was sure i would cry, if not during, at least after graduation.  but here's a list of things i've cried at since graduation that isn't graduation

• the funeral scene of my favorite character
• a door slamming loudly
• the Hamilton soundtrack

but not anything to do with graduation or nostalgia.

emotionsemotionsemotions

i want to be in love again

this is a fear that i need to get out, and won't let myself go off onto tangents of my other fears no matter how much i want to, this is only one

having only dated one guy, i don't really have any past experience to compare it to.  kind of, but that past guy before my actual ex didn't really count.  but lately i've found that i'm kind of afraid that i won't find someone who was as respectful and patient in terms of romantic/sexual stuff as he was.  he was really patient with me wanting to wait for that thing and was respectful with other things associated with that, and for some reason, i keep thinking "what if whoever else i date isn't like that?  what if i end up only dating assholes who try to pressure me to do stuff i don't want to?  what if, what if, what if, what if"
i don't really know how to deal with it, other than going out there and dating other people and finding out if my fears are true.
the logical part of my brain says "no you goddamn idiot, of course there will be other respectful people out there holy shit you gotta chill"
but the irrational part of my brain goes, "no you goddamn idiot, people are evil also you're bad at associating and maintaining new friendships so good luck not dying alone you fuckin idiot lmao"




so who knows what'll happen.

but he showed up in my dream again and i woke up angry again.