what the hell

i'm sitting here with a shower cap on and vitamin c mixed with shampoo covering my hair and my ex was in my dream not once but THREE DIFFERENT TIMES and it made me angry

moving on

There are habits I have to let go of now.  the urge to run my fingers through his hair, the urge to hug him at random moments, the urge to tell him i love him out of the blue.  also the habitual urge to wait for him after school so i can see him before he goes home, or the urge to ask if he would be busy during the weekend so maybe we could go out.  there are a lot of things i didn't realize i did so often when we were together that i now had to stop.  i sat next to him today and felt a lot of those habits come up and it hurt me.  he doesn't hurt me, but the memories hurt me, and the old feelings, and the fears of what will happen in the future.  it's fear of losing touch, not only with him, but with everyone.  all those people who i never want to lose touch with, who have helped me create such good memories, and who have helped me through difficult times without even realizing it.  what if we stop talking?  what if they become distant memories and one day 10 years down the road i see something that reminds me of them.
sometimes i see things that remind me of him, and i don't know what to do.

things i hate (or dislike)

eggs
turtlenecks
how fondant looks
loud chewing

on the topic of intimacy

i'm not very experienced with intimacy.  i haven't had sex with anyone and while i do plan on losing it someday with someone that i love, its not exactly that which i hope for someday.  i mean, yeah, someday, but i like the feeling of being close with someone without having sex.  one of the times i've felt closest with someone, i was kneeling on the floor and he had his head in my lap, and dozing off while i was running my fingers through his hair.  it was quiet, neither of us were speaking, and i don't know if he gave it a second thought, but to me, i felt incredibly close to him.  it's not just physical closeness, it's also emotional closeness.  it's cuddling with each other and feeling close and warm, and absolutely in love.  sunlight and blankets, and knowing that they're the right one for you.  it's hard to explain without sounding weird, and i was watching how i met your mother while watching this and reading something my friend G sent me so i have a lot of different things on my mind.

self body

ever since i was a young teenager i've had weird self confidence issues, both in terms of ability and appearance.  but i'm going to focus on appearance in this part.  when i was 12, i got sick of all the blonde jokes thrown my way and dyed my hair pitch black.  the day i debuted it, i heard one of my classmates say to someone, "she just dyed her hair to make herself seem smart".  okay.  but even if i don't care about my blonde hair (now under many layers of hair dye), i still have issues with self confidence.  i went down a dark hole about a year ago, and convinced myself that i was unlovable.  i hated myself a lot, and hated just about anything you can think of thats part of my body.  but even if i've changed my opinion on myself a little since that time, i still have a lot of issues with body confidence.  when i wear shorts or skirts, or dresses, instead of feeling good in them, i worry if my legs are too thick, or too hairy, or if the outfit makes me look shorter than i am.  i preach wearing what makes you feel good, but i feel nervous wearing a new skirt or dress in public.  i want to get better, and for a short time, i really was.  i really loved myself for a little, but once school started again, i realized that it was because i didn't feel like people were watching me during the summer.  in school, i felt like so many people were watching, and judging, and i felt so uncomfortable.  during the summer, i had mostly hung out with friends, or it had been so hot that it didn't matter if i wore shorts without shaving.  i don't know how i managed to feel so good about myself during that time, but i want to return.

the other part of self confidence is more inside myself.  as mentioned previously, when i was in that dark hole, i had a lot of negative self talk.  things about how i was unlovable, and how people didn't really like me, and to be honest, i really think i became depressed during that time.  i still think i have some kind of (at least mild) clinical depression, and i still have negative self thoughts.  sometimes i'll go weeks without thinking i was an inconvenience, or a burden, and thinking that friends really did like me.  but then suddenly, it'll hit me, and i'll suddenly hate myself for everything that i've done, and worry about annoying my friends and the people i'm around.  sometimes i worry so much that i've angered or weirded a friend out that i get the urge to skip school the next day.  one time, i had to use someone else's computer in a class with unassigned seats, and i wanted to skip the next class out of worry that i really angered them.

with the unlovable part, i've actually thought in depth about this and i know why that thought has persisted.  in media, teenagers are always portrayed as having relationships starting as young as fourteen and consistently having a partner throughout school.  i didn't start dating until the summer before my senior year, and before then, i would feel weird about not having had dated and somehow that ended with the thought that, clearly, i was unlovable, and no one actually liked me.  i would be alone for a long, long time.  When i began dating that guy i started dating the summer before senior year, the feelings went away for the most part.  but they would sometimes come back up.

with the negative self-talk, i read somewhere that contradicting those thoughts as soon as they come up would help.  for example, if you begin to think, "everyone hates me", you stop and think, "no, i have friends, and people who appreciate me".  When i feel awkward about wearing a crop top, or skirt, i think about the people at school who have worn the same type of clothing as me, or even less, and i realize that i don't look so out of place.  when i feel like i'm unlovable, i imagine a future where i'm with someone i love.  when i feel like i'm being annoying, i just stop and calm down a little bit and take some time to just stop and listen.

i don't know why i wrote so much of this, but i've found myself stepping back into the dark place recently, and writing out everything that i've been thinking has helped.

endings/nostalgia part 2

i took a walk.  i take the same route almost every time, one that goes through a park near my house.  i realized halfway thru the park that it was the location of one of the best days of my life.  the day that i received my first kiss.  i teared up a little bit remembering that because it was such a happy memory that now was part of an ending.  as i kept walking, i realized that the route i take had been so set that it was the same way i took after i had my first date.  all i could think of were these happy memories that were making me almost cry in public.  they were so happy and were making me so sad.
it was nostalgia and endings mixed into one.

endings

when something you thought would last forever ends, it's hard to know what to think, or do.  in my case, it involved a lot of crying, and hair pulling, and feeling like i had to rip my own skin off.  but it's strange.  i wasn't 100% sure why i was crying.  i wasn't sad over the end, i understood why it ended, and i was okay with it.  but i was still crying.  i felt like i was going to die.  i felt like everything was too hot, too close, too tight.  it was killing me.  but at the suggestion of my best friend, i went outside and walked around for a long time.  wearing sunglasses to hide the redness of my eyes, of course.  i never thought i was the kind of person to cry over an ending, but you never know until it happens.

for clarification, this is about a relationship.

i just saw an ad that said 'underboob pictures that will make your life worth living"

I really don't understand ads.
That's all I have to say.