some ~issues~

i've been taking birth control pills since early 2016 and the first dosage level ended up making me throw up the first of each new pack.  so i got the dosage changed, and it probably ended up making me feel nauseous (and throwing up) for 4-5 days at the start of the new pack.  it started this month and so i went to my doctor and talked to her about it and she thought it was low blood sugar + lack of protein.  she changed the dosage anyway and now i'm trying to ease back into a regular eating schedule, since i wasn't eating much but bread for the past few days.
mostly it's been graham crackers and peanut butter, but also oranges and ginger ale.  my stomach still feels really weird but less weird the more days pass.  i hate waking up nauseous though, and having that dread feeling in my stomach while i'm showering and feeling generally exhausted and not feeling able to eat anything.  i had to call in sick to work for the first time on monday since i threw up 3 times and i work in a kitchen.  my coworkers and manager and boss were sympathetic when i went back to work yesterday and asked how i was feeling which was nice.  though yesterday i ate almost nothing at all and went to work and ended up feeling so drained of energy i had to eat a peanut butter bar from work to get some energy, which worked, but gave me stomach cramps bc of the sudden sugar intake.  so far fruit and peanut butter has been a gentle way to reintroduce food to my stomach which is good.  i've felt really shitty for the past few days though and i hate it, especially with school starting in less then a week, i dont want to wake up early in the morning and not be able to have something before school.
so hopefully it passes soon

it's been good

i got paid recently and having actual money to spend and treat myself has been nice.
i bought a couple of nyx lipsticks and am waiting for them to arrive, and went to the mall with my sister in law today and got some earrings that won't turn my ears green.  i'm happy knowing i can buy things that will make me happy, like bras and clothes and things.  i've been broke and jobless for so long that i'm still afraid to spend any money but am slowly getting over that and learning that it's o-k to treat myself finally.
i've been consistently happy with working, and am enjoying it and my coworkers a lot, but still haven't been seeing a lot of my friends.  for a little bit i thought one of my coworkers didnt like me but i think it was just because i was new, as she's now saying hello to me when i arrive and talks to me sometimes.  it's very nice.  one of the managers i really like, she's very friendly and jokes about how quiet i am when i arrive and leave and saw me when i came in last week and went "i've finally caught you're arrival!!"  she also thanks me when i leave and it makes me feel good.
i start college and turn 19 next month.  it feels weird to age, and for some reason i can't accept that someday i'll be 23.  just 23, not anything older like 45.  it could be because 23 is closer to my current age than 45 but it's still strange.  it's also funny because i have friends still in high school who are starting school on the 23rd and its hilarious because i'm graduated.
anyway it's been a good month and i've been loving working and feel good earning money.

brief lil update since i haven't been posting much

i have a job now and am working 5 days a week which is great
and its been warm but i haven't been seeing any of my friends which kinda sucks

we're friends

and it's wonderful.

I didn't cry

This month, a bunch of stuff has already happened.  I went to my last prom, went to baccalaureate, and graduated high school.  I didn't cry at any of those and to me, it's odd.  i'm a very emotional person and i was sure i would cry, if not during, at least after graduation.  but here's a list of things i've cried at since graduation that isn't graduation

• the funeral scene of my favorite character
• a door slamming loudly
• the Hamilton soundtrack

but not anything to do with graduation or nostalgia.

emotionsemotionsemotions

i want to be in love again

this is a fear that i need to get out, and won't let myself go off onto tangents of my other fears no matter how much i want to, this is only one

having only dated one guy, i don't really have any past experience to compare it to.  kind of, but that past guy before my actual ex didn't really count.  but lately i've found that i'm kind of afraid that i won't find someone who was as respectful and patient in terms of romantic/sexual stuff as he was.  he was really patient with me wanting to wait for that thing and was respectful with other things associated with that, and for some reason, i keep thinking "what if whoever else i date isn't like that?  what if i end up only dating assholes who try to pressure me to do stuff i don't want to?  what if, what if, what if, what if"
i don't really know how to deal with it, other than going out there and dating other people and finding out if my fears are true.
the logical part of my brain says "no you goddamn idiot, of course there will be other respectful people out there holy shit you gotta chill"
but the irrational part of my brain goes, "no you goddamn idiot, people are evil also you're bad at associating and maintaining new friendships so good luck not dying alone you fuckin idiot lmao"




so who knows what'll happen.

but he showed up in my dream again and i woke up angry again.

what the hell

i'm sitting here with a shower cap on and vitamin c mixed with shampoo covering my hair and my ex was in my dream not once but THREE DIFFERENT TIMES and it made me angry

moving on

There are habits I have to let go of now.  the urge to run my fingers through his hair, the urge to hug him at random moments, the urge to tell him i love him out of the blue.  also the habitual urge to wait for him after school so i can see him before he goes home, or the urge to ask if he would be busy during the weekend so maybe we could go out.  there are a lot of things i didn't realize i did so often when we were together that i now had to stop.  i sat next to him today and felt a lot of those habits come up and it hurt me.  he doesn't hurt me, but the memories hurt me, and the old feelings, and the fears of what will happen in the future.  it's fear of losing touch, not only with him, but with everyone.  all those people who i never want to lose touch with, who have helped me create such good memories, and who have helped me through difficult times without even realizing it.  what if we stop talking?  what if they become distant memories and one day 10 years down the road i see something that reminds me of them.
sometimes i see things that remind me of him, and i don't know what to do.

things i hate (or dislike)

eggs
turtlenecks
how fondant looks
loud chewing

on the topic of intimacy

i'm not very experienced with intimacy.  i haven't had sex with anyone and while i do plan on losing it someday with someone that i love, its not exactly that which i hope for someday.  i mean, yeah, someday, but i like the feeling of being close with someone without having sex.  one of the times i've felt closest with someone, i was kneeling on the floor and he had his head in my lap, and dozing off while i was running my fingers through his hair.  it was quiet, neither of us were speaking, and i don't know if he gave it a second thought, but to me, i felt incredibly close to him.  it's not just physical closeness, it's also emotional closeness.  it's cuddling with each other and feeling close and warm, and absolutely in love.  sunlight and blankets, and knowing that they're the right one for you.  it's hard to explain without sounding weird, and i was watching how i met your mother while watching this and reading something my friend G sent me so i have a lot of different things on my mind.

self body

ever since i was a young teenager i've had weird self confidence issues, both in terms of ability and appearance.  but i'm going to focus on appearance in this part.  when i was 12, i got sick of all the blonde jokes thrown my way and dyed my hair pitch black.  the day i debuted it, i heard one of my classmates say to someone, "she just dyed her hair to make herself seem smart".  okay.  but even if i don't care about my blonde hair (now under many layers of hair dye), i still have issues with self confidence.  i went down a dark hole about a year ago, and convinced myself that i was unlovable.  i hated myself a lot, and hated just about anything you can think of thats part of my body.  but even if i've changed my opinion on myself a little since that time, i still have a lot of issues with body confidence.  when i wear shorts or skirts, or dresses, instead of feeling good in them, i worry if my legs are too thick, or too hairy, or if the outfit makes me look shorter than i am.  i preach wearing what makes you feel good, but i feel nervous wearing a new skirt or dress in public.  i want to get better, and for a short time, i really was.  i really loved myself for a little, but once school started again, i realized that it was because i didn't feel like people were watching me during the summer.  in school, i felt like so many people were watching, and judging, and i felt so uncomfortable.  during the summer, i had mostly hung out with friends, or it had been so hot that it didn't matter if i wore shorts without shaving.  i don't know how i managed to feel so good about myself during that time, but i want to return.

the other part of self confidence is more inside myself.  as mentioned previously, when i was in that dark hole, i had a lot of negative self talk.  things about how i was unlovable, and how people didn't really like me, and to be honest, i really think i became depressed during that time.  i still think i have some kind of (at least mild) clinical depression, and i still have negative self thoughts.  sometimes i'll go weeks without thinking i was an inconvenience, or a burden, and thinking that friends really did like me.  but then suddenly, it'll hit me, and i'll suddenly hate myself for everything that i've done, and worry about annoying my friends and the people i'm around.  sometimes i worry so much that i've angered or weirded a friend out that i get the urge to skip school the next day.  one time, i had to use someone else's computer in a class with unassigned seats, and i wanted to skip the next class out of worry that i really angered them.

with the unlovable part, i've actually thought in depth about this and i know why that thought has persisted.  in media, teenagers are always portrayed as having relationships starting as young as fourteen and consistently having a partner throughout school.  i didn't start dating until the summer before my senior year, and before then, i would feel weird about not having had dated and somehow that ended with the thought that, clearly, i was unlovable, and no one actually liked me.  i would be alone for a long, long time.  When i began dating that guy i started dating the summer before senior year, the feelings went away for the most part.  but they would sometimes come back up.

with the negative self-talk, i read somewhere that contradicting those thoughts as soon as they come up would help.  for example, if you begin to think, "everyone hates me", you stop and think, "no, i have friends, and people who appreciate me".  When i feel awkward about wearing a crop top, or skirt, i think about the people at school who have worn the same type of clothing as me, or even less, and i realize that i don't look so out of place.  when i feel like i'm unlovable, i imagine a future where i'm with someone i love.  when i feel like i'm being annoying, i just stop and calm down a little bit and take some time to just stop and listen.

i don't know why i wrote so much of this, but i've found myself stepping back into the dark place recently, and writing out everything that i've been thinking has helped.

endings/nostalgia part 2

i took a walk.  i take the same route almost every time, one that goes through a park near my house.  i realized halfway thru the park that it was the location of one of the best days of my life.  the day that i received my first kiss.  i teared up a little bit remembering that because it was such a happy memory that now was part of an ending.  as i kept walking, i realized that the route i take had been so set that it was the same way i took after i had my first date.  all i could think of were these happy memories that were making me almost cry in public.  they were so happy and were making me so sad.
it was nostalgia and endings mixed into one.

endings

when something you thought would last forever ends, it's hard to know what to think, or do.  in my case, it involved a lot of crying, and hair pulling, and feeling like i had to rip my own skin off.  but it's strange.  i wasn't 100% sure why i was crying.  i wasn't sad over the end, i understood why it ended, and i was okay with it.  but i was still crying.  i felt like i was going to die.  i felt like everything was too hot, too close, too tight.  it was killing me.  but at the suggestion of my best friend, i went outside and walked around for a long time.  wearing sunglasses to hide the redness of my eyes, of course.  i never thought i was the kind of person to cry over an ending, but you never know until it happens.

for clarification, this is about a relationship.

i just saw an ad that said 'underboob pictures that will make your life worth living"

I really don't understand ads.
That's all I have to say.

i'll be there for you

When i was in middle school, I first heard the song "I'll Be There For You" (before  hearing it on Friends) and i had a select group of people that I would think of when I heard that song.  I thought they would be my friends forever, but now most of them aren't in my life anymore.  Not because of death, but distance and just losing touch with each other.  And for a while, whenever I would hear that song, I would think of the people who's friendships I had lost.  But  now, I'm almost graduated, and there's a new group of people that I automatically think of when I hear that song.  People that I love so much, who have done so much for me and mean so much to my life that I never ever want to lose.  I guess it kind of goes along with nostalgia, but now it's a good nostalgia because I can think of all the good memories I've made with them, and it edges out my lasting bitterness towards a lot of things.  I don't really know the point of this post, but I guess it's just me saying how glad I am that I'm not so lonely anymore.
Anyway, this is the song I listened to while writing this.  I heard it on the That 70's Show finale and the finale always makes me nostalgic.  It's Big Star's version of the song Thirteen.  Eventually I'll make a post about being thirteen even though I'm the only one who reads these, really.

nostalgia

Nostalgia for me is sunshine and the smell of cut grass.  It's the feeling of the last day of school approaching and the days getting longer.  It's that joy you feel when you're with your friends on a wonderful day and you feel like you could explode from how happy you are in that moment.  It's the memory of hugs and the memory of looking at the sunset.  It's hoping to god that you and them can stay friends forever because you can't imagine being with anyone else.  It's fireworks, and tan lines, and staying up till three watching netflix.  It's red and gold and blue and green.  Nostalgia hurts.  Sometimes I get on the track of thinking about what happened in the past and have to remind myself that good memories will continue to come, and that it's okay that things have changed.

zombies, man

Do you ever wonder why we as a culture are so obsessed with zombies?  Maybe it's due to the lack of knowledge about what happens when we die.  You have people who believe in heaven and hell, and you have people who think that once you're dead, you're straight up dead.  No more life, ever, at all.  But could it also be a fascination with wanting to live forever?  Figuring that if you die, you can come back, or have your loved ones come back.  I really hate zombie apocalypse scenarios.  I hate them so much.  They make me panic and once I start thinking too much about them, I start crying.  I don't like crying.

nuts n bolts

Sometimes I find random nuts and screws and bolts and stuff on the ground when I'm outside and I always wonder where they came from.  They don't look new enough to be just a new thing someone bought and dropped accidentally.  What's going to happen to the thing it came from?  It might break, or might not even work now because one little piece fell off.  Of course, it can be replaced, like most things.  Unless you're a company that sells parts that are only compatible with that product.  You suck.

Take notice

It can take a lot of courage for people to post their art, writing, music online.  And to do that, and have the feeling that everyone is ignoring it can be painful.  I've dealt with a lot of nervousness about posting my own writing to tumblr or facebook or where ever, because when I do, it constantly feels like people ignore it.  It discourages me from showing people my potential and growth, and what I feel like I do best.  Recently on facebook, I saw a post where someone said they finally got the courage to post their own music onto their page, and it got 0 likes and 0 comments.  To some, it might seem like something attention seeking, but I got it.  I've felt like that before.  So take a moment when you see that poem, or story, new song, or art piece your friend posted, because even if it's just one person, it's one more person that you feel is appreciating what you're doing.
~xx