ever since i was a young teenager i've had weird self confidence issues, both in terms of ability and appearance. but i'm going to focus on appearance in this part. when i was 12, i got sick of all the blonde jokes thrown my way and dyed my hair pitch black. the day i debuted it, i heard one of my classmates say to someone, "she just dyed her hair to make herself seem smart". okay. but even if i don't care about my blonde hair (now under many layers of hair dye), i still have issues with self confidence. i went down a dark hole about a year ago, and convinced myself that i was unlovable. i hated myself a lot, and hated just about anything you can think of thats part of my body. but even if i've changed my opinion on myself a little since that time, i still have a lot of issues with body confidence. when i wear shorts or skirts, or dresses, instead of feeling good in them, i worry if my legs are too thick, or too hairy, or if the outfit makes me look shorter than i am. i preach wearing what makes you feel good, but i feel nervous wearing a new skirt or dress in public. i want to get better, and for a short time, i really was. i really loved myself for a little, but once school started again, i realized that it was because i didn't feel like people were watching me during the summer. in school, i felt like so many people were watching, and judging, and i felt so uncomfortable. during the summer, i had mostly hung out with friends, or it had been so hot that it didn't matter if i wore shorts without shaving. i don't know how i managed to feel so good about myself during that time, but i want to return.
the other part of self confidence is more inside myself. as mentioned previously, when i was in that dark hole, i had a lot of negative self talk. things about how i was unlovable, and how people didn't really like me, and to be honest, i really think i became depressed during that time. i still think i have some kind of (at least mild) clinical depression, and i still have negative self thoughts. sometimes i'll go weeks without thinking i was an inconvenience, or a burden, and thinking that friends really did like me. but then suddenly, it'll hit me, and i'll suddenly hate myself for everything that i've done, and worry about annoying my friends and the people i'm around. sometimes i worry so much that i've angered or weirded a friend out that i get the urge to skip school the next day. one time, i had to use someone else's computer in a class with unassigned seats, and i wanted to skip the next class out of worry that i really angered them.
with the unlovable part, i've actually thought in depth about this and i know why that thought has persisted. in media, teenagers are always portrayed as having relationships starting as young as fourteen and consistently having a partner throughout school. i didn't start dating until the summer before my senior year, and before then, i would feel weird about not having had dated and somehow that ended with the thought that, clearly, i was unlovable, and no one actually liked me. i would be alone for a long, long time. When i began dating that guy i started dating the summer before senior year, the feelings went away for the most part. but they would sometimes come back up.
with the negative self-talk, i read somewhere that contradicting those thoughts as soon as they come up would help. for example, if you begin to think, "everyone hates me", you stop and think, "no, i have friends, and people who appreciate me". When i feel awkward about wearing a crop top, or skirt, i think about the people at school who have worn the same type of clothing as me, or even less, and i realize that i don't look so out of place. when i feel like i'm unlovable, i imagine a future where i'm with someone i love. when i feel like i'm being annoying, i just stop and calm down a little bit and take some time to just stop and listen.
i don't know why i wrote so much of this, but i've found myself stepping back into the dark place recently, and writing out everything that i've been thinking has helped.
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